Worse Than Telemarketers
by Daria234
Summary: Humor fic where Alec tries to prank call, then dirty-call Logan, but Logan has to explain how it's done. Alec/Logan slashiness.


Written for comment_fic on Livejournal

Prompt was Alec/Logan, phone call

"Is your refrigerator running?"

"What?"

"This is a prank call, Logan."

"Alec, what are you talking about?"

"You better go chase it down and kick its ass."

"What?"

"Cuz it's running. Get it?"

"Yeah, I get it, Alec."

"Can you believe that? A PRANK call. You call someone and it's not a real call. It's a PRANK."

"Yeah, they've been around for awhile."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and so has that joke about the refrigerator. If you can call it that."

"Seriously? Aw, man, I missed so much cultural history in that place. You really heard that one before?"

"More or less."

"Man. Okay, fine. How about this one? What are you wearing?"

"What? Um, I don't think that's a prank, Alec."

"Sure it is, I've heard about it. What are you wearing? Are you wearing a shirt? Is it made of cotton? Is it made of polyester? Hhnnnh-hnnnh hnnnh-hnnnnh hnnnnnh-hnnnnh."

"What's that sound Alec are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's part of the prank. I ask what you're wearing and then I breathe heavily."

"Not really how it works, Alec."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not really a prank, Alec, it's supposed to be sexy."

"To talk about clothes?"

"Yeah."

"I don't get it."

"Okay, usually people say it like this: What are you wearing?"

"Oohh, those are some smooth velvet tones Logan. But then doesn't it get boring when you get to the socks and shoes and the tie and stuff?"

"You don't say that, you say 'Oh, I have practically nothing on' or 'I'm in my black lace panties'"

"You own black lace panties?"

"No, I rent."

"Oh."

"Kidding, Alec. That's what a girl might say."

"Okay. And then?"

"And then that's when you breathe heavily."

"I _did_ that."

"No you wheezed like you were giving birth to an asthmatic weasel."

"Unfair, dude. But really, how is it supposed to sound?"

"I think you know Alec."

"No, tell me."

"Forget it Alec."

"Are you really going to make me ask Logan? I have no idea what heavy breathing is supposed to sound like. I have a genetically engineered cardio-pulmonary system, and I don't have to breathe hard when I'm getting hot and bothered."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Geez, I've only been out of that place a couple of years, and I've done my best to figure out how normal people in society live, but I can't exactly go up to someone and explain why I don't know this stuff."

"I didn't realize, Alec, I didn't mean to-"

"I mean, you're one of the few people I thought I could trust to explain this stuff to me without thinking I'm some kind of idiot."

"I'm sorry, Alec."

"Seriously, how is supposed to go. A What are you wearing call. Just show me once, so I can understand what people are talking about so I don't have to feel like a fool."

"Okay, it's not.... It's not really something you should do. These calls are considered kind of crass. But the way they stereotypically work is that someone describes how they look in a sexy outfit, or naked, and then the other person tells them to keep talking while they, you know, take care of themselves. That's why there's heavy breathing."

"Yeah I figured that part out. But what does it sound like. Hnnnh-hnnnnnnh?"

"No, definitely not. More like hhhhhhh-mmmmhhh, hhhhhhh-mmmmmhhh."

"Wait, let me hear that again."

Logan rolled his eyes but continued, "Hhhhhhhhhh-mmmmmmhhh."

"You are a fool and a half, Logan Cale!"

"Original Cindy?"

"Herbal and I owe this jackass 40 dollars each now!" she said.

"What- why?"

"Because Alec bet us that he could get your dumb ass to breathe hot and heavy for him on the phone. I don't believe this, how naive are you?"

Logan could hear Alec then, saying, "Give me back the phone - hey, Logan, it's me. Thanks, man, that was awesome. Hhhhh-mmmmhhh. Nice!"

"Alec!"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Are Cindy and Herbal off the phone now?"

"Yeah, it's just me on the phone now"

"That wasn't funny. That was totally manipulative and disrespectful and stupid."

"Yeah, well, when I get home you can punish me."

"Count on it. And Alec?"

"Yeah?"

"When you get here, you'd better be wearing something nice. Black satin, maybe."


End file.
